An Apple By Any Other Name

I went to see Coldplay last night (which was awesome, by the way, although I must question Chris Martin’s fashion decision of wearing white tennis shoes with black shirt and pants). It was fun, and it seems the baby either loved or hated the music, because there was some definite jumping going on.

Am I degenerating as a parent? When I was pregnant with my first kid, I went to see a couple of plays. With my second and third kids, I’ve gone to concerts. Hmm. Let’s see what the long-term effects are of those decisions (with my firstborn as the test subject, of course).

Anyhow, as the stage was being set up for Coldplay, these three guys climbed up rope ladders to seats from which they controlled cameras for the duration of the concert. We watched them climb up and settle in, and then we waited for the show to start. Half an hour later, Coldplay began performing.

So a few questions came to mind about these three cameramen. First of all, why then? Why did they need to get up to their stations so much before the show began? I mean, they probably could have set up their cameras then waited on the ground until right before the show started. It’s not like someone from the audience would be able to climb up inconspicuously and mess anything up.

Now, the reason I ask the first question is because my next question is, what would they do if they had to go to the bathroom? I mean, sure, I suppose they could have a cup handy in case of an emergency, but I have to say, that concept makes front row seats at a concert much less appealing. But seriously, what would they do? I suppose they’d only be up there for maybe two hours, and that’s not too long for most normal people to go without using the facilities (I, on the other hand, had to go 3 times during the show – but I had foolishly drank 1½ glasses of Sprite with dinner right before the concert). Perhaps they’re restricted to drinking no coffee or colas for at least 2 hours before the show. Maybe bladder capacity questions are included on the job application. Maybe a woman would have to take pregnancy leave if she held that job (and, ironically, be able to return to work once she delivered). And maybe, when they’re not working cameras at concerts, these guys are truckers.

As we listened to the radio while waiting to leave the parking garage after the concert, the DJ asked if anyone had seen Gwyneth Paltrow at the concert. And I have to confess, that almost ruined the memory of the concert for me. I mean, sure, I think Apple is an idiotic name, and I honestly think less of Gwyneth Paltrow for subjecting her child with that name (perhaps that may make her worse than Tom Cruise, whose stupidity really mostly only affects himself). I guess it could have been worse; she could have spelled the name differently on purpose (Hi, this is my daughter Appil). I’m all about creative names, and have nothing against made-up names. But, to quote the Spiderman movies, “with great power comes great responsibility.” It’s one thing to be creative, quite another to subject your child to a lifetime of humiliation and questions that build a wall to protect from the insensitivity of the world.

Seriously, yes, my last name really is Engineer. No, I’m not an Engineer. No my children are not named Mechanical and Chemical. And any joke you make, this is not the first time I’ve heard it. As for my dog, I suppose “Every day is Friday” and “Thank God it’s Friday” when he’s around. Yes, we did happen to get him on a Friday, but had we gotten him on a Monday, that would not have been his name. We will not name our next dog Saturday or any other day of the week. While I’m at it, the “a” at the end of the names of Indian gods is silent. Shiva is pronounced “shiv.”

Sorry, personal pet peeve. But getting back to the name thing, I realized that Chris Martin is not free of guilt in the child-naming category. And I certainly cannot forgive him because he’s just a musician and thus a creative free spirit (because, technically, I would have to give the same allowance to Gwyneth). Naming a child is a big responsibility. It behooves the parents to think of every possible way the name could be made fun of, and to consider what this might do to the child’s psyche. We all wish the best for our children, and the name we give our child, the first parenting decision we make, is one that a child has to live with forever, or at least until old enough to get the name legally changed.

Seriously, if Apple wants to grow up to be a rocket scientist, she will have a hard time being taken seriously. Her celebrity will not help her then. In the entertainment world, she’s fine. But do her parents really want to restrict her future career choices.

But now, I must confess, Apple is not the worst celebrity child name out there. The Washington Post website has an article on the subject, and you can actually vote for your “favorite”. I’m really not sure anymore.

Jermaine Jackson named his kid Jermajesty.
Bob Geldof has a daughter named Fifi Trixabelle.
Shannyn Sossaman (who?) named her kid Audio Science.
Jason Lee’s kid is Pilot Inspektor.

I suppose compared to those, Apple is not so rotten.