Brain Hickey

A brain hickey, like a real hickey, is something that leaves its mark. The opposite of a brain fart (when you have a mental disconnect and can’t think of the simplest thing), a brain hickey is a thought so profound, so deep, so mentally tantalizing that it sticks with you. Maybe you’ll change your life because of the enlightenment you experience. Or maybe you’ll just think about what I said for the next few days and then it’ll gradually fade, like a real hickey.

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Location: Cleveland Heights, Ohio, United States

I have three sons, a dog, and a very supportive husband. I get to write whatever I like as long as I don't ask him to read it.

Thursday, November 18, 2010

Musical Grammarian

To whom it may concern,

I would like to offer my services as a Musical Grammarian. I understand that this is an unusual concept, so let me explain. I enjoy listening to the radio, and often listen to popular music on the radio. I am no music connoisseur, but can appreciate a good beat, catchy tunes, and decent lyrics. The last item, however, is where, I believe, songwriters sometimes struggle. In attempting to convey a certain thought or a feeling, lyricists often sacrifice grammar for the sake of rhyme. And while I can appreciate the need for a good rhyme with proper cadence, musicians need to bear in mind that if they do wish to be heard by the masses, they must accept responsibility for educating said masses, and accept their roles as de facto masters of the English language. Thus, they must themselves master the English language.

Many may scoff at the idea. "I create music," they may argue. "not grammatical textbooks." (Okay, I really doubt anyone would ever state that particular sentence, but I think the message is clear). But already our next generation of leaders is more familiar with texting abbreviations and lingo than with proper sentence structure (please feel free to correct me if I am wrong - in complete sentences). And by providing a catchy tune with memorable lyrics, you - the musician - hope to have listeners everywhere singing your song over and over again, even when the radio or iPod is turned off. And as such, you should recognize that in the middle of English class, when your fan is asked by the teacher (or exam) to provide the proper word to fill the sentence "just between you and ___", that this impressionable youth that saved up his/her allowance money just to get your album (or download your tune from iTunes) or get concert tickets to your show doesn't get a C instead of a B because you chose to use "I" to rhyme with "sky".

In case you don't believe the problem exists, let me back up my statement with a few examples of poor English language choices in popular music:

1) Ironic - Alanis Morrisette (1996): Click here to read a decent rundown of how accurate the song really is in defining what irony is (it isn't). But to sum up, 1) I appreciate the irony of a song about irony not accurately defining irony, but 2) applaud the attempt. If it ended up serving as a decent jumping point in English classes everywhere to discuss the fine points of what irony is and isn't, then that's cool.

2)If You Love Somebody, Set Them Free - Sting: Again, I know I'm going way back on this one here, but this one really irks me since Sting started off as an English teacher, so there really is no excuse for not coming up with grammatically correct lyrics (to be clear: "Somebody" is singular, "Them" is plural. They just don't belong together!) I understand wanting to appeal to both genders, but this isn't the way. Pretend to talk to one person (and thus pick one gender) and let people attracted to people of the non-mentioned gender figure it out for themselves (see, "people" and "themselves" are both plural, so it's okay), record two versions of the song, or come up with some other solution. Be creative. You know you can. Or rather, you could have. It's too late now. I just hope that whenever someone thinks to remake this song, that songwriter bears this is mind (or perhaps that is why it hasn't been remade).

3) Big Girls Don't Cry - Fergie: "I'm gonna miss you like a child misses their blanket". Hopefully this is obvious. If not, let me suggest "I'm gonna miss you like a child misses his blanket." As this is a fictional child conveying the extent of missing, it doesn't need to be globally approachable. It could just as easily be "her", but then would that convey that a girl child misses a blanket much more than a boy child would, thus implying weakness or dependence? On a non-grammatical sense, it really isn't a global truth and thus doesn't really convey the feeling desired, unless she is trying to reference Linus from 'Peanuts', in which case it should be "his". But otherwise, not all kids miss blankets.

4) "In My Head" - Jason DeRulo : I'm spanning beyond grammar now to pronunciation, but in this song (which I love), he sings "you fuh-fill my fantasy". Perhaps it's an issue for me because I have a four-year-old that is a minimalist pronouncer (he pronounces only the number of syllables needed to be understood, which, while impressively efficient, leads to his being frustrated around non-family members who don't always understand him). But really, if he's going to slow down the song and stress the first syllable of the word, couldn't the singer have pronounced it properly? While poor pronunciation may be endearing in person, I don't believe it should be encouraged in song.

5) I Don't Want To Wait - Paula Cole:
So open up your morning light
And say a little prayer for I

First of all, how do you open a morning light? If there is some religious reference being made here that I am completely missing, then I apologize. But if taken literally (and interpreted as "open the curtains and let the morning light shine into the room before saying a little prayer"), then this could be reworded. Perhaps:

So open up the window screen
And say a little prayer for me

or...
So let the morning light shine through
And pray a little for me, could you

Okay, these aren't great. But then again, I'm not getting paid. A personal consultation with the artist, to more clearly understand the intended message, could yield better results. Having to work with what is present (and without monetary compensation), this is the best I can offer right now. But please note that both preserve the message and the iambic quatrameter present in the original version.

6) Ooh La La - The Faces:
I wish that I knew what I know now when I was younger.
change that to:
I wish I had known what I know now when I was younger.

I dropped the "that" to preserve the meter.

See, it's quite possible to be grammatically correct and still maintain the rhythm, meter, and rhyme desired and necessary in songs.

I am aware that you can google "bad grammar song lyrics" and find other individuals who will point out where the grammar is wrong. But what I offer is different. I will not only point out where the grammar is incorrect, but I will help you fix it. If you feel you can do better by yourself, I applaud your confidence. Just try to avoid making all those music-loving English majors out there cringe. That's all I ask.

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