Fighting the Demons

How do you fight the demons? How do you stop the doubts inside your head - those negative thoughts that tell you that what you're doing is hopeless - from growing so big that they stop you from trying? Because they're coming for me right now. I can't see them, but I can feel them and hear them. I have a family of demons inside me. I picture them as being red and scaly, with tiny pointy ears and a long pointy tail. And a big mouth. (Imagine Mushu from "Mulan", but without the friendly disposition.) It seems that my writer demons and coding demons like to talk, because much of what they say is the same. I'm a hack. I'm no good. There are plenty of people out there way better at this job than I am, and I should just give up. Because my work is shoddy, and will never be good enough for anyone else to want to partake (be it publish my story or visit my website, it doesn't matter).

I know these demons are not going to help me do better. I know that listening to them is not a good idea. Seriously, if they would just shut up, I could get back to work and make some progress - even if it's minimal - to tide me over until the next day, when hopefully they'd be too busy or tired to distracted to bother me. Of course, if these demons are wandering around inside my body, I'd hate to think of what they'd do to distract me.

A boost is what I need. How about a quick visit to Facebook, to see some friendly faces, some happy posts, and remember that I am lucky to have so many friends, and that this is a wonderful time in which we live that we are able to be in touch with people we care about, regardless of geography. Thank you, Facebook. Such a simple concept, such a simple design. Meanwhile, my website has so many more pieces and parts to it. Clearly the boulder I'm trying to push up the mountain is way too big. This site is so complicated. I need to simplify it or it just won't work.

Darn, the demons noticed me. It made me compare my future site to an established website. If that's not going to discourage me, I hate to think of what will. Mind you, I know how to recreate Facebook, and that fact ought to make me feel better, but instead, the demons remind me that it wouldn't do any good since Facebook is already created, so it's really a useless skill.

Fine. Something else then... I could walk away for a while, take a break. But I only have half an hour until the boys are done with school, so if I take a break now, that's it for the day. And what have I really accomplished?

Sometimes, earlier in the day, I can get up, walk to another room, perhaps walk the dog, break for a quick lunch, or talk on the phone for a few minutes. But I just took two weeks off, and really need to get work done.

Well, here's the thing. Here's how I'm going to fight these demons. I'm going to listen to them. I'm going to hear what they're telling me, face my biggest fears of the day, and use these fears to make sure they don't paralyze me tomorrow. I've made a list of all the failed items I've discovered on my website today - all the so-called proof that I'm a bad programmer - and I'm going to fix them, one by one, tomorrow. I've made a list. It's not a complete list (since I'm not done discovering all my flaws), but it doesn't have to be. I just need enough to have a plan tomorrow morning.

Without a plan, I have to wander. And when I wander, my demons come out of their cages and lead me astray. And once there, I have to listen to them. I can't help it. But then, when I listen, they quiet down. Perhaps I just "trick" them into returning to their cages because they think that they won, or maybe they want to help and this is the only way they know how (much like, sometimes, as a parent, I offer advice to my kids in a less-than-nice way - "for their own good"). Or perhaps they are firecrackers that will explode and then fizzle down to nothing.

But in case you were wondering, I talked my demons down while typing this. I don't know if it came across or not (that would be more evident if I attempted to narrate this in the form of a story - hmmm, perhaps I have been visited by a muse - yet another creature hiding inside my head, waiting to come out, but outnumbered by the demons), but I do feel better now.

Hope this helps you too...