Honesty

In the recent past, we had an incident occur at our house where my son inadvertently really hurt the feelings of a neighbor friend who he has known all her life (and since he was a year old). My son, being raised up until now to always be honest, is not always tactful. He means no harm by it, is not malicious in any way, but does not know the fine art of telling people what they want to hear. I am attempting to teach him proper phone etiquette as well, but before I wander too far down this path, I find myself stopping and taking careful stock of the situation.

When I see my son, I see an incredibly caring, smart boy who is straddling the fine line between being a big kid and staying young. His is a carefree childhood, and while he does balk at being asked to do work when his brothers do not, he is helpful and genuinely caring - to those that care about him. When his brother was injured, he stood by his side, and wouldn't move until the bandage was changed. Perhaps this is mere curiosity, but on the other hand, when he told him "I'm sorry that you got hurt," it was not out of guilt; he was upstairs when his brother's hand got stuck on the treadmill in the basement. He simply felt horrible hearing his brother scream in pain. He even created a little book/story for his brother (using up the last of our black toner, incidentally, but that is easily overlooked when you read "Hand Cast"). He is thoughtful and kind, and is who his littlest brother will complain to when Mommy and Daddy don't give him the answer he wants.

Yes, it's important to teach kindness. But is it really kind to lie? When I first got married, I would go shopping with my husband, and I would try on clothes, and he would actually tell me if my butt looked big in a particular pair of pants. Personally, I loved seeing the shocked looks on the other couple's faces when they'd hear that. Why would I put up with that, you wonder? Because he cares. Because he has nothing to gain by telling me something like that if it's not true. Would I rather he not tell me that certain clothes look bad on me, and then proceed to wear them and actually look like I have a big butt (no comments from the peanut gallery!). Or would I rather know before I spend money on unappealing clothes, and instead buy and wear clothes that are flattering? I could get all offended by his seemingly rude - albeit honest - comment, or I could take it at its worth and benefit from it. Personally, I think I'm better off now for the honest approach.

So I would rather my son get turned down by girls who would take offense at his honesty, and instead find someone who appreciates him for not being a master of flattery. I will put up with the awkward years and heartbreak until then. I respect that other parents will have different ideas about "white lies," but I hope they will understand and respect mine. When my son pays a compliment, I expect it to be genuine. The world has too many people who will say what they want to get what they want.

When I also think about the big picture, I think that my boys are really trying. Sometimes I think I'm on them too much for every little thing, and I need to pull back and appreciate how much they are getting right in any given day. If I expect perfection I'm going to drive them to the psychiatrist's couch!

p.s. I know I have written in the past about never lying to my kids, and while it is difficult at times, I work really hard to stick to that. And it's nice to get reinforcement for my beliefs: http://cosmos.bcst.yahoo.com/up/player/popup/?rn=4226712&cl=16329921&src=news. Thanks for the link, Marci. If I expect honesty from them, I have to be honest with them.