I Have A Feeling

I have a feeling that I’m going to be having the baby tonight. Of course, I’ve had the same feeling for the past three days, and, clearly, it hasn’t happened yet. You see, I had proven, mathematically, that the baby would be born on 8/8. It was a flawless mathematical equation, based on the birthdates of my first two children. The problem with my math, it turns out, is that the baby doesn’t know math. So now, I’ll have to just wait until the baby is born and figure out the appropriate mathematical equation retrospectively.

As for my feelings, well, they haven’t exactly proven themselves too well over time. From the time my second kid was rather young, every time he would cry without cause, I would attribute it to the fact that he was teething. A few days would pass, and still there would be no teeth. Again and again I blamed teething, and again and again no teeth came. It was kind of a running joke after a while. Of course, after a few months, it became a sense of pride, and I found that I HAD to suggest teething, because sooner or later it would be the cause, and if I didn’t call it, well, you know where this is heading.

So what this tells me is this. I am not clairvoyant. I am not psychic. I recently watched a rather amusing episode of South Park in which Stan tried to prove to people that psychics were frauds, by pointing out the tricks they tended to use, but found that the people instead believed that he was psychic.

Unfortunately, reading “How To Be a Psychic” will not help me be a better parent. It may be amusing at parties, and may help me as a writer. Maybe later in life it will help me as a parent. Hmmm.

But for now, here I sit watching the Browns’ first pre-season game, still pregnant. I have a feeling we might lose.