I'm Coming

“I’m coming.”
“No.”
“Yes, I am. Here I come.”
“No! You’re not ready. We’re not ready. It’s too soon.”
“But I want to come. I’m coming.”
No, no, no. It’s too soon. Okay, what can I do to stop him from coming? Ouch. Stop. Not now! Okay, call the doctor. They’ll stop him from coming. They won’t let him out. Then I’ll have more time to get ready. And maybe he’ll be ready by then.

I drive to the hospital. This cannot be happening. It’s too soon. Don’t think about it. Just drive. Just get there, park, walk in, go to the desk, and tell them to stop him from getting out. You can do it. You have control. They know he’s not ready. They’ll agree with you. They’ll do what it takes to keep him in.

“Don’t you love me?”
“Of course I love you,” I say.
“Then why are you doing this to me?”
“Because I love you.”
Guilt is not going to work. No mind games. I am stronger than that. Don’t doubt yourself. Just a couple of months - that’s all he needs.

I wake up in the middle of the night and hear him calling to me. I toss and turn, and still he calls. But I ignore him. He will not come. He will wait. Every day he grows stronger. I will make him wait.

The others grow tired.
“Is he coming today?” they ask.
“Not yet.”
“Tomorrow?”
“No.”
That is all we can say. We continue our day. He is all we think about, yet we must go on. He is safe the longer he stays away.

“Feel my kick, Mommy. See how I am strong,” he says.
“Yes, very strong.”
“Listen to my heartbeat, Mommy. I am ready.”
“Not yet.”
“Why not?”

This will be my impatient one, more impetuous than his brother before him, whom he copies.

“Let me out, Mommy.”
“Not yet.”
“But listen to how they play, how they call me.”
“You will have plenty of time for that. A lifetime. For now, be patient.”
“I don’t want to wait. I’m tired of this place. It is too small for me.”

We have reached a sort of agreement. He has stopped trying to come out now. And I talk to him more, keep him from being too bored.
“Do you like the music?” I ask.
He rolls around. Perhaps this is less an agreement and more the silent treatment. He does not talk to me as much now. I bribe him with treats. He is happy, I am happy. Together we wait.