Parenting Things I Know

I am convinced, based on no empirical data whatsoever, that kidnapping is not a repeatable offense. As far as I know, there are no serial kidnappers. I say this not out of optimism or even a rose-colored view of the basic goodness of people. Rather, I say this as a mother.

I have learned quite a bit in the past five years on this job, after having received two promotions (with no more pay, I might add). I have developed certain theories regarding the science of parenting, broken down ultimately (for my own sanity, and that of those around me) into three rules. As long as these three rules are followed, I can let anything else slide. And what are these three rules?

1) Don’t sit outside and type when the wind is blowing and acorns are falling. You’re just pushing your luck.

Okay, that’s not really a parenting rule, but it’s an important rule nonetheless. Especially if you value your computer (and your noggin). I guess the second rule would then be not to leave your kids outside, even if they’re in a stroller with the shades covering them. So, excuse me for a couple of minutes while I maneuver the double stroller up the front steps and into the house.
Okay, I’m back. The wind really kicked up as I was walking, and I feel quite fortunate that any acorns did not whack me just now (or yet this season, though I’m sure it’s bound to happen).

So anyhow, back to my three golden parenting rules:
1) Safety comes before comfort. I don’t care how uncomfortable the car seat is or if the seatbelt is too tight. It doesn’t matter if it’s just a short drive. If the car is moving, the kid is buckled in.

2) Meals come before snacks. My mother-in-law is notorious for giving the kids candy “because they asked for it” right before dinnertime. Hell, if they’re asking for food, they’re hungry. And they’re not stupid. Of course they’re going to ask grandma for candy. Hell, I’d do the same. Oh, and getting them fed on time is crucial, and if unavoidably delayed, then snacks are okay (for example, you’re on a road trip, too far from the next rest area where you’ll stop for dinner, and it’s time for the kids to eat. At that point, sure, give them a cookie, I don’t care. But if their blood sugar drops, they can’t be held accountable for their behavior.

Some mornings, if one of my boys didn’t eat enough for dinner, he’ll break down and scream and refuse to cooperate in the morning. Once we manage to force a couple of bites of cereal into him, he settles down. And this goes for either kid. Heck, the same is true for me too, but in me it comes across as bitchiness.

3) Good sleep makes for happy kids. When my kids haven’t slept well, haven’t napped in time, or are awaked early, they get cranky. If they’ve stayed up late a few too many nights, they wake up fussy. I generally try to balance it out by having them go to bed an hour early when my husband is working in the evening. This is good for them and for me. When he was a baby, my firstborn slept from 8pm to 8am, with naps in between. When he started school at age 3, he had to wake up at 7am and he stopped taking naps. So if he’s consistently going to bed at 8pm, he’s already getting 2 hours less sleep than he used to. We don’t regularly make them sleep at 7, but every once in a while, they need it.

As for the second one, he naps, but it can only be for 1 hour, going to sleep latest by 1:30, and/or waking up latest by 2:30. If he naps too late, or for too long, then he has a hard time falling asleep at night, and can stay up until 9 or 9:30, at which point he’s definitely going to be cranky in the morning.

So yeah, I’m kind of turning scheduling into a science. Mealtimes are not fixed, for the most part, and if not, then I have to have a contingency planned or be willing to face the consequences. If we’re going to someone’s house for dinner at 6, then I have to feed them first. Even when we go somewhere that there’ll be kid-friendly food, I feed them first so if they just want to play, it’s okay because I’m not going to face a meltdown later on.

I read or heard once that whatever kids see when they go to sleep is what they expect to see when they wake up, or they cry. For example, if they fall asleep in your arms, or with you lying next to them, then if they wake up and you’re not there, it’s kind of traumatic for them and they’ll cry. That was my motivation for getting my kids to sleep by themselves. So far, the youngest one keeps falling asleep while in my arms, but he’s only six weeks old, so I’m cutting myself a break.

But anyhow, the point of all this was not to embark on a dissertation about parenting. On the contrary, it was to explain why there are no serial kidnappers. You see, I love my kids, absolutely adore them, and marvel at their accomplishments every day (admittedly, some days it’s more like “you did WHAT?!”). But if I don’t follow those three rules (well, the first one’s not so difficult), it’s all I can do to last until their bedtime. I know the rules and still find myself facing their tyranny some times.

So then imagine taking on a toddler (especially a two-year-old), not knowing the rules, and dealing with him for any extended period of time. As I mentioned earlier, if a kid’s blood sugar drops too low, he/she can’t be held accountable for his behavior. You can try, but it’s just going to drive you crazy trying to reason with a hungry child. And a young child won’t always recognize when he’s hungry, especially if he’s busy playing (which, I suppose, a good kidnapper would have the kid do). So given that it sometimes takes all of one’s energy to get the kid fed and settled down, then why, even if the reward is ten million dollars ransom for some rich guy’s kid, would anyone willingly go through the ordeal of kidnapping? There are certainly better, less aggravating, ways to steal money.