Fighting the Demons

How do you fight the demons? How do you stop the doubts inside your head - those negative thoughts that tell you that what you're doing is hopeless - from growing so big that they stop you from trying? Because they're coming for me right now. I can't see them, but I can feel them and hear them. I have a family of demons inside me. I picture them as being red and scaly, with tiny pointy ears and a long pointy tail. And a big mouth. (Imagine Mushu from "Mulan", but without the friendly disposition.) It seems that my writer demons and coding demons like to talk, because much of what they say is the same. I'm a hack. I'm no good. There are plenty of people out there way better at this job than I am, and I should just give up. Because my work is shoddy, and will never be good enough for anyone else to want to partake (be it publish my story or visit my website, it doesn't matter).

I know these demons are not going to help me do better. I know that listening to them is not a good idea. Seriously, if they would just shut up, I could get back to work and make some progress - even if it's minimal - to tide me over until the next day, when hopefully they'd be too busy or tired to distracted to bother me. Of course, if these demons are wandering around inside my body, I'd hate to think of what they'd do to distract me.

A boost is what I need. How about a quick visit to Facebook, to see some friendly faces, some happy posts, and remember that I am lucky to have so many friends, and that this is a wonderful time in which we live that we are able to be in touch with people we care about, regardless of geography. Thank you, Facebook. Such a simple concept, such a simple design. Meanwhile, my website has so many more pieces and parts to it. Clearly the boulder I'm trying to push up the mountain is way too big. This site is so complicated. I need to simplify it or it just won't work.

Darn, the demons noticed me. It made me compare my future site to an established website. If that's not going to discourage me, I hate to think of what will. Mind you, I know how to recreate Facebook, and that fact ought to make me feel better, but instead, the demons remind me that it wouldn't do any good since Facebook is already created, so it's really a useless skill.

Fine. Something else then... I could walk away for a while, take a break. But I only have half an hour until the boys are done with school, so if I take a break now, that's it for the day. And what have I really accomplished?

Sometimes, earlier in the day, I can get up, walk to another room, perhaps walk the dog, break for a quick lunch, or talk on the phone for a few minutes. But I just took two weeks off, and really need to get work done.

Well, here's the thing. Here's how I'm going to fight these demons. I'm going to listen to them. I'm going to hear what they're telling me, face my biggest fears of the day, and use these fears to make sure they don't paralyze me tomorrow. I've made a list of all the failed items I've discovered on my website today - all the so-called proof that I'm a bad programmer - and I'm going to fix them, one by one, tomorrow. I've made a list. It's not a complete list (since I'm not done discovering all my flaws), but it doesn't have to be. I just need enough to have a plan tomorrow morning.

Without a plan, I have to wander. And when I wander, my demons come out of their cages and lead me astray. And once there, I have to listen to them. I can't help it. But then, when I listen, they quiet down. Perhaps I just "trick" them into returning to their cages because they think that they won, or maybe they want to help and this is the only way they know how (much like, sometimes, as a parent, I offer advice to my kids in a less-than-nice way - "for their own good"). Or perhaps they are firecrackers that will explode and then fizzle down to nothing.

But in case you were wondering, I talked my demons down while typing this. I don't know if it came across or not (that would be more evident if I attempted to narrate this in the form of a story - hmmm, perhaps I have been visited by a muse - yet another creature hiding inside my head, waiting to come out, but outnumbered by the demons), but I do feel better now.

Hope this helps you too...

Contradictions

"A foolish consistency is the hobgoblin of little minds, adored by little statesmen and philosophers and divines. With consistency a great soul has simply nothing to do. He may as well concern himself with his shadow on the wall. Speak what you think now in hard words, and to-morrow speak what to-morrow thinks in hard words again, though it contradict every thing you said to-day. — 'Ah, so you shall be sure to be misunderstood.' — Is it so bad, then, to be misunderstood? Pythagoras was misunderstood, and Socrates, and Jesus, and Luther, and Copernicus, and Galileo, and Newton, and every pure and wise spirit that ever took flesh. To be great is to be misunderstood. "
- Ralph Waldo Emerson, from "On Self Reliance"

I read this essay when I was in high school. It was in one of my textbooks, and I loved the excerpt so much that I photo copied it and taped it to my bedroom wall, above my desk. (Yes, I was a nerd. I believe I've long established that.)

Anyhow, why am I bringing this up now? Because I would be a fool not to learn and grow.

When I was fourteen years old, I became a vegetarian. I was a huge fan of Howard Jones, and had just read some article about why he was a vegetarian, and I was so moved by it that I declared myself vegetarian. The leftover chicken (which was delicious earlier that day) did not sway me. The bacon we had for breakfast the next day did nothing. And for a long time - five years, in fact - I remained a vegetarian. Finally, during my freshman year of college, I recognized that my vegetarianism had shifted from its original lofty origins to being purely about pride. I had been vegetarian for so long, and had worn it as a badge, using it to characterize myself. But the moral reasons, the care for animals, that was only secondary - or tertiary. I found myself wanting to eat meat, but not feeling like I could because I had been such an obnoxious vegetarian for so long that I was afraid of what people would say (damn those "people", pretty much all in my head).

So on my birthday, my family came to my dorm to pick me up and take me out to dinner. And I let my brother (a life-long chicken-and-rice eater) order for me. As I turned nineteen, I put my foolish pride aside and returned to the rank of omnivore. I don't know if I realized then, or if it's just retrospectively that I recognize, that I had forgotten Ralph Waldo Emerson's message.

I am not a mountain, nor a building, nor some law that needs to remain firmly rooted and unchanging. It is my right as a human to change. It is the right of others to judge me for my inconsistent declarations, but then it is my right to ignore them. Frankly, the best lesson that semester was that nobody really noticed the change. It was refreshingly humbling to learn that something that had seemed so important to me really didn't matter to anyone else (because I wasn't preventing anyone else from eating what they wanted to eat, so who really cares).

I bring this up now - not to wax philosophically about Michael Vick and whether I believe he has changed or not - but to retract an earlier declaration I made on Facebook. (See, there is a point to this post).

I'm not going to self-publish "The Gandhi Gang". At least, not yet. My husband has challenged me to acquire at least ten more rejection letters before I give up on traditional publishing. I had a definite goal in mind: sell 1000 copies of my book to be listed as a published children's author in the Society of Book Writers and Illustrators Directory. And I had started strategizing how I would go about doing that. I figured, with my website, I'm encouraging writers to self-publish their stories, so if I'm going to talk the talk, I ought to walk the walk. Show that I too am willing to self-publish my work. But have I really given it my all? Am I simply being too impatient to give my story the chance? Perhaps.

So despite all the encouragement I have gotten from my Facebook friends, I'm going to hold off on self-publishing ... for now. I have to explore more deeply the business of trying to get published.

- Ms. Inconsist