Parenting Things I Know

I am convinced, based on no empirical data whatsoever, that kidnapping is not a repeatable offense. As far as I know, there are no serial kidnappers. I say this not out of optimism or even a rose-colored view of the basic goodness of people. Rather, I say this as a mother.

I have learned quite a bit in the past five years on this job, after having received two promotions (with no more pay, I might add). I have developed certain theories regarding the science of parenting, broken down ultimately (for my own sanity, and that of those around me) into three rules. As long as these three rules are followed, I can let anything else slide. And what are these three rules?

1) Don’t sit outside and type when the wind is blowing and acorns are falling. You’re just pushing your luck.

Okay, that’s not really a parenting rule, but it’s an important rule nonetheless. Especially if you value your computer (and your noggin). I guess the second rule would then be not to leave your kids outside, even if they’re in a stroller with the shades covering them. So, excuse me for a couple of minutes while I maneuver the double stroller up the front steps and into the house.
Okay, I’m back. The wind really kicked up as I was walking, and I feel quite fortunate that any acorns did not whack me just now (or yet this season, though I’m sure it’s bound to happen).

So anyhow, back to my three golden parenting rules:
1) Safety comes before comfort. I don’t care how uncomfortable the car seat is or if the seatbelt is too tight. It doesn’t matter if it’s just a short drive. If the car is moving, the kid is buckled in.

2) Meals come before snacks. My mother-in-law is notorious for giving the kids candy “because they asked for it” right before dinnertime. Hell, if they’re asking for food, they’re hungry. And they’re not stupid. Of course they’re going to ask grandma for candy. Hell, I’d do the same. Oh, and getting them fed on time is crucial, and if unavoidably delayed, then snacks are okay (for example, you’re on a road trip, too far from the next rest area where you’ll stop for dinner, and it’s time for the kids to eat. At that point, sure, give them a cookie, I don’t care. But if their blood sugar drops, they can’t be held accountable for their behavior.

Some mornings, if one of my boys didn’t eat enough for dinner, he’ll break down and scream and refuse to cooperate in the morning. Once we manage to force a couple of bites of cereal into him, he settles down. And this goes for either kid. Heck, the same is true for me too, but in me it comes across as bitchiness.

3) Good sleep makes for happy kids. When my kids haven’t slept well, haven’t napped in time, or are awaked early, they get cranky. If they’ve stayed up late a few too many nights, they wake up fussy. I generally try to balance it out by having them go to bed an hour early when my husband is working in the evening. This is good for them and for me. When he was a baby, my firstborn slept from 8pm to 8am, with naps in between. When he started school at age 3, he had to wake up at 7am and he stopped taking naps. So if he’s consistently going to bed at 8pm, he’s already getting 2 hours less sleep than he used to. We don’t regularly make them sleep at 7, but every once in a while, they need it.

As for the second one, he naps, but it can only be for 1 hour, going to sleep latest by 1:30, and/or waking up latest by 2:30. If he naps too late, or for too long, then he has a hard time falling asleep at night, and can stay up until 9 or 9:30, at which point he’s definitely going to be cranky in the morning.

So yeah, I’m kind of turning scheduling into a science. Mealtimes are not fixed, for the most part, and if not, then I have to have a contingency planned or be willing to face the consequences. If we’re going to someone’s house for dinner at 6, then I have to feed them first. Even when we go somewhere that there’ll be kid-friendly food, I feed them first so if they just want to play, it’s okay because I’m not going to face a meltdown later on.

I read or heard once that whatever kids see when they go to sleep is what they expect to see when they wake up, or they cry. For example, if they fall asleep in your arms, or with you lying next to them, then if they wake up and you’re not there, it’s kind of traumatic for them and they’ll cry. That was my motivation for getting my kids to sleep by themselves. So far, the youngest one keeps falling asleep while in my arms, but he’s only six weeks old, so I’m cutting myself a break.

But anyhow, the point of all this was not to embark on a dissertation about parenting. On the contrary, it was to explain why there are no serial kidnappers. You see, I love my kids, absolutely adore them, and marvel at their accomplishments every day (admittedly, some days it’s more like “you did WHAT?!”). But if I don’t follow those three rules (well, the first one’s not so difficult), it’s all I can do to last until their bedtime. I know the rules and still find myself facing their tyranny some times.

So then imagine taking on a toddler (especially a two-year-old), not knowing the rules, and dealing with him for any extended period of time. As I mentioned earlier, if a kid’s blood sugar drops too low, he/she can’t be held accountable for his behavior. You can try, but it’s just going to drive you crazy trying to reason with a hungry child. And a young child won’t always recognize when he’s hungry, especially if he’s busy playing (which, I suppose, a good kidnapper would have the kid do). So given that it sometimes takes all of one’s energy to get the kid fed and settled down, then why, even if the reward is ten million dollars ransom for some rich guy’s kid, would anyone willingly go through the ordeal of kidnapping? There are certainly better, less aggravating, ways to steal money.

Message to Bed Rest Me

Here's a message to Bed Rest Me from New Mom Me:

I haven't gone back and read any of the Bed Rest Chronicles, but if I do, and I find any whining about how miserable and uncomfortable you are, I swear I'm going to master time travel and come back and whoop your ass. The nerve. Having been through it before, you really should have known better than to complain about getting to sit around all day and sleep through the night, no matter how many times you had to get up and go to the bathroom at night.

I get it!

I just realized something last night. Those "Baby on Board" signs from the eighties, the ones that people put in their cars, and that Homer Simpson and his barbershop quartet wrote a song about, and that countless comedians have made fun of - I always thought they were silly. Geez, I was thinking of running into your car, but since there's a baby on board, maybe I won't. C'mon, what's the point?!

And then it dawned on me as I backed up my minivan and waved a quick thanks to the car that I inadvertently cut off. It's a warning to other drivers. Hello World, it says, I am a sleep-deprived, bad driver that has no choice but to be driving right now. If I cut you off or fail to signal or otherwise drive poorly, it may be because I haven't slept for months. If I fail to pull over for an emergency vehicle, I may not have heard the siren over the sound of my baby screaming in the back seat.

I wonder what else I've completely missed. I wonder what other insights I may have in this mental fog I'm living in. Who knew I'd be getting smarter. Then again, the fact that I'm gaining knowledge about a twenty year old bumper sticker may not count as my getting smarter. My going to bed now, since all three kids are asleep and the youngest will be up in an hour, would be smart. Or my stopping watching the Browns (although, in my defense, I did take a long nap through about three quarters of the game). Okay, time to get smarter. Good night.

Lessons Learned

Okay, I’ve got half an hour to write. Eldest son at school, second and third are asleep. Okay, I don’t know when the smallest will wake up, but I have to wake up the second in half an hour, so that’s what I’m going with.

I haven’t written in so long. I haven’t had this free time in so long, I almost didn’t know what to do with it. I thought, should I fold laundry? Should I make pesto? Should I check my email? NO! I once read some book (and of course, I can’t remember what it is right now), and at the end, there was a reading group guide including an interview with the author. So the question was asked, “How do you find time to write with two young children?” And the author answered – and this has become (or should become) my mantra – “Never do anything when they’re asleep that you can do while they’re awake.”

That is, I must say, the most brilliant piece of writing advice I have heard. Heck, that’s just plain great advice. So what if you are folding laundry while your kids play? For a while there, I had my eldest son helping me with the laundry. He got to play the matching game with a mound of socks. He was rather good at it. Now, I try to get him to help hang up his clothes, and he whines and complains about it.

Speaking of whining, my middle son has started having a hard time going to school. He was fine at first, but yesterday, he had a huge tantrum at home and cried as his teacher carried him from the car. Of course, he then proceeded to fall asleep an hour later. So I got him to bed earlier last night, and today, he didn’t start crying until I got to the school and the teacher came to get him out. Until then, I think he had convinced himself we were just dropping off his brother.

Okay, I was wrong. I had five minutes to write. My mother-in-law is here, and I’m not going to be rude. Uh oh. I think she brought a bunch of food. The problem is, my husband just spent two hours at the grocery store yesterday. Of course, it was during the witching hour (that wondrous evening time that encompasses dinnertime and getting ready for bed; it took so long for me to get them fed that they didn’t have time for their bath). (I guess I have a few more minutes as she unloads her car).

I’ve learned a few things since yesterday. Last night, my husband worked his first night shift since the boys started the school year. Which meant that it was my first night going solo with three kids. Of course, that extended into the previous evening during the witching hours, and I was freaking out. I kept waiting for him to come home so I could start making rotli (I have the timing down with rolling the dough and cooking it concurrently, but then I can’t handle any interruptions – a.k.a. the kids – so I usually wait for backup). But, as 5:00 rolled around, I decided the boys would have to eat and I didn’t feel I could wait. Fortunately for me, the neighbor’s kid was over playing, so my boys didn’t keep fighting each other. (Crazy how it gets easier to take care of kids when there’s more of them – lesson 1). Plus, I let them watch a “Little Einsteins” video.

Lesson 2 – Dread is worthless. I was dreading this morning. It was the first time I’d be getting the boys ready for school all by myself. I didn’t know if I could wake up in time, if I could get them ready, if the little one would have to feed. There was just so much uncertainty. Well, it went fine. I got the boys ready by myself all last year, and the baby – pretty darn easy to get ready. Having gotten them to eat well and sleep on time the night before meant I had two pleasant boys in the morning. Not that they were efficient – they are, after all, 5 and 2 – but they were all in all pretty happy, and I managed to maintain a good mood (because when I freak out and get angry, it doesn’t work – lesson 3). So dreading what would happen just wasted my energy and made me unhappy for nothing.

Final lesson: don’t make Indian food before a night shift. We have a general agreement that whoever cooks, the other person cleans. It is, of course, negotiable (I’ll clean if you’ll take the kids up for bed), but when the designated cleaner can’t do either because he has to go to bed before his night shift, then you get stuck doing all of it – cooking, cleaning, and putting the boys to bed. And when cooking Indian food, that’s a lot more cleaning to be done.

I didn’t say these would be life-altering lessons. On five hours of sleep a night, some of the most basic things seem to be insightful lessons (like – before you take a nap, set the alarm clock so you don’t oversleep and fail to pick up your son – not that that has happened – yet).

The End of an Affair

A cherished relationship is on the rocks. One with whom I have shared many special hours is drifting away, spurning me as I find myself with less time for the relationship. For so long, I would devote much time to this love. But now, I must sneak away for a rendezvous.

“If you love something, set it free. If it comes back, it’s yours; if it doesn’t come back, it was never meant to be.”

How true is this quote. This is how I must view my relationship. For now, I must say goodbye. I must put aside my selfish desires, my urges, for the sake of my family. Someday, perhaps, my affair will continue – if my love will return to me. But not today.

And so, Sleep, adieu. My dear friend, I shall miss you – until we meet again.