Honesty

In the recent past, we had an incident occur at our house where my son inadvertently really hurt the feelings of a neighbor friend who he has known all her life (and since he was a year old). My son, being raised up until now to always be honest, is not always tactful. He means no harm by it, is not malicious in any way, but does not know the fine art of telling people what they want to hear. I am attempting to teach him proper phone etiquette as well, but before I wander too far down this path, I find myself stopping and taking careful stock of the situation.

When I see my son, I see an incredibly caring, smart boy who is straddling the fine line between being a big kid and staying young. His is a carefree childhood, and while he does balk at being asked to do work when his brothers do not, he is helpful and genuinely caring - to those that care about him. When his brother was injured, he stood by his side, and wouldn't move until the bandage was changed. Perhaps this is mere curiosity, but on the other hand, when he told him "I'm sorry that you got hurt," it was not out of guilt; he was upstairs when his brother's hand got stuck on the treadmill in the basement. He simply felt horrible hearing his brother scream in pain. He even created a little book/story for his brother (using up the last of our black toner, incidentally, but that is easily overlooked when you read "Hand Cast"). He is thoughtful and kind, and is who his littlest brother will complain to when Mommy and Daddy don't give him the answer he wants.

Yes, it's important to teach kindness. But is it really kind to lie? When I first got married, I would go shopping with my husband, and I would try on clothes, and he would actually tell me if my butt looked big in a particular pair of pants. Personally, I loved seeing the shocked looks on the other couple's faces when they'd hear that. Why would I put up with that, you wonder? Because he cares. Because he has nothing to gain by telling me something like that if it's not true. Would I rather he not tell me that certain clothes look bad on me, and then proceed to wear them and actually look like I have a big butt (no comments from the peanut gallery!). Or would I rather know before I spend money on unappealing clothes, and instead buy and wear clothes that are flattering? I could get all offended by his seemingly rude - albeit honest - comment, or I could take it at its worth and benefit from it. Personally, I think I'm better off now for the honest approach.

So I would rather my son get turned down by girls who would take offense at his honesty, and instead find someone who appreciates him for not being a master of flattery. I will put up with the awkward years and heartbreak until then. I respect that other parents will have different ideas about "white lies," but I hope they will understand and respect mine. When my son pays a compliment, I expect it to be genuine. The world has too many people who will say what they want to get what they want.

When I also think about the big picture, I think that my boys are really trying. Sometimes I think I'm on them too much for every little thing, and I need to pull back and appreciate how much they are getting right in any given day. If I expect perfection I'm going to drive them to the psychiatrist's couch!

p.s. I know I have written in the past about never lying to my kids, and while it is difficult at times, I work really hard to stick to that. And it's nice to get reinforcement for my beliefs: http://cosmos.bcst.yahoo.com/up/player/popup/?rn=4226712&cl=16329921&src=news. Thanks for the link, Marci. If I expect honesty from them, I have to be honest with them.

Yes on Issue 3

Election day is coming, and here in Cleveland there is an initiative on the ballot to allow casinos. Well, I think it's time for me to dust off my soapbox and put in my two cents.

I say vote yes on Issue 3. Opponents to Issue 3 may try to sway you by pointing out that gambling is a tax on the poor (only those that can't afford to lose money tend to lose lots of money), that it leads to higher levels of crime, and that substance abuse and other health issues may result from the culture of casinos. They may try to point to Las Vegas, and point out how crime increases for local gamblers, and how while the median income of visiting gamblers is higher than average, the median income of local gamblers is lower than average (so rich out-of-staters will come and lose money here, but the local poor are also losing money here).

No, I say vote yes because, as they say, it will bring jobs to Cleveland. Mind you, if the skilled workforce they are looking for does not already exist in Cleveland, then they will bring people in from outside Cleveland, and if these people stay outside the city and commute in, then Cleveland itself will not financially benefit from these new workers, and the unemployment rate in Cleveland will remain essentially unchanged.

Also, it will bring retail sales to Cleveland. Mind you, the entertainment dollars that people would otherwise be spending on local theaters, sports venues, or gyms will instead be spent at casinos, but it's not like the Browns are winning, right?

But the real reason why I want to vote yes on Issue 3 is because I love CSI. Seriously. Don't much care for CSI:Miami (mostly because of Horatio Caine), and find CSI: New York too dark, but the original one...love it. And what could be better for Cleveland than having a tv show based here? And a wildly popular one at that, too. It's just that so far, the crimes here are too midwestern for CSI. We need to go hard-core. Sure, the corruption in county government helps, and having 3 major sports teams (never mind their records) and a large hospital system offer plenty of plot ideas. And a river that burned, and the downfall of industry. Sure, all good plot points. But what we really need to earn us the level of depravity worthy of hosting a crime show of the caliber of CSI would be best, and most quickly, obtained by bringing casinos into town.

So I say, vote Yes on Issue 3, and stay tuned for links to my online petition to the writers of CSI to create CSI: Cleveland.

Be Still My Beating Amygdala

I recently heard a story on NPR about neurocinema, in which scientists take real-time MRI scans of people while they’re watching movies. The goal of the research is to see what works and what doesn't work in a movie, perhaps to eventually create better movies. Here is the transcript to a similar interview.

Anyhow, the part of this interview that fascinated me was when they were talking about the amygdala. Different parts of the brain light up during an MRI depending on the emotion evoked by a particular scene. Love, sorrow, empathy - all light up different parts of the brain. Interestingly, lust, fear, and disgust (and sorrow) all light up the amygdala. According to Dr. David Hubbard (lower down in the interview), the scan cannot distinguish, simply from seeing the amygdala activated, what emotion the subject is feeling.

So what does this mean? I went to a parenting seminar once that talked about how anger is a false emotion – that it’s a reaction to another emotion, be that fear, frustration, disappointment, exhaustion, or several other emotions. Without being able to pinpoint the true emotion, a child will react through any of these emotions with a tantrum. One job of a parent is to help the child identify his/her true emotion to be able to resolve the true underlying issue at hand.

Of course, pinpointing the emotion isn’t only a challenge for children; it’s also an issue for adults. As parents, we may react to a particularly trying situation with anger. And often, other trying situations pile upon those before we have a chance to take a step back to examine the underlying emotion (I mean, it would be great to give ourselves timeouts more often, but then the kids would never get to school on time, never get fed, and the house would be even messier than it usually is). And really, we spend enough time parenting when the kids are awake; do we really want to spend our precious alone time pondering better reactions to stimuli? I know I should do it; but I need to have the bookmark version or refrigerator-magnet-sized list of parenting tools.

But moving beyond parents and children, what about other adults. If it’s true that the amygdala gets a rush of blood when feeling lust, fear, or disgust, could this be the underlying reason that people remain in abusive relationships?

All hope is not lost, however. Another recent story on NPR talked about discovering a protein called stathmin, which was found in high levels in fearful mice. When these mice were genetically modified not to have stathmin, they were no longer fearful of wide-open spaces. Here is the story about that study.

So perhaps, some day in the future, women wishing to leave abusive relationships could get some help. Of course, any product that is produced to remove fears could then eventually be misused (if it is in medicinal form, as opposed to a surgery that realistically would be unaffordable by many abused, and perhaps financially dependent, individuals), so that we have an epidemic of people jumping off buildings or jumping into the bear or lion cages at the local zoo.

Of course, this would also provide plenty of material for movies.

Overheard

My three-year-old (S3) and five-year-old (S2) are eating breakfast in the dining room, while I'm making their lunches in the kitchen. S3 has something with Diego on it (Diego = Dora the Explorer's cousin, spin off tv show that incidentally, nobody in my family watches).

S2: Do you like Diego?
S3: Yes
S2: Do you love Diego?
S3: Yes, I love Diego
S2: Then why don't you marry him?! (he's proud of himself for setting up that joke yet again)
S3: Yes, I want to marry Diego
S2: You can't marry Diego

And here I swoop in, thinking what a wonderful teaching moment this is about tolerance and acceptance and whatnot.

Me: Why can't he marry Diego?
S2: Because he's a character.

I shut up and keep making their lunches, outsmarted by a 5 year old.

The Trials of Motherhood

I've got three boys, ages 8, 5, and 3. Some days I feel a little overwhelmed. And this weekend they have a four day weekend, during which my husband is working until 6pm Friday and Monday, and I'll admit to feeling a little apprehension.

But so far, I really can't complain. Yes, two kids were destined for time-outs before they got out of the car coming home from school yesterday (for fighting), which didn't make me look forward to the weekend alone with them, but after that things settled down (and I reminded myself of our family's One Fussy Fellow At A Time rule - which, instead of its original intention of only allowing one kid to fuss at a time, now really just means I deal with only one kid at a time, since they've learned what the word fussy means and argue that they're not being fussy (just naughty, which is entirely different and thus doesn't apply). Great. I'm raising the crazy semantic police!).

This morning, we offered to watch one of my 8-year-old's classmates while his mom was in a meeting. To her, it's a favor. To me, it means my kids actually get along because they have someone else to play with. And then the kid across the street came over to play for a couple of hours. And while I did have to yell down for them to play quietly so I could get the 3-year-old down for his nap, I recognized that it was loud voices of enthusiasm as opposed to any fighting. In fact, I came downstairs to find the kids quietly playing restaurant.

Yes, this morning involved allowing them to play the Wii for longer than intended so I could finish an article I had to write (nothing like waiting for the last minute - it was due today), but since they haven't played the Wii for as long as I can remember - probably since the school year started - I don't feel too bad about it.

And this morning, as I ate my breakfast, I sat reading (skimming) Paula Polk Lillard's book, "Montessori, A Modern Approach". I specifically read the chapter "Montessori and Parents" (I was hoping to find some interesting quote to unify my article, but instead found only personal inspiration). The key idea I took away from this is that we as parents aren't here to control every action of our children and mold them into mini versions of ourselves, but rather to help them grow into their full potential. "The parent's role is that of a guardian, not a creator." I realize that I sometimes lose sight of that, and so it was nice to read that concise reminder.

In any case, being able to read this (and another article I'll have to blog about later about getting kids to eat healthier), and to be able to sit back and reflect on how I want to grow as a parent, really makes me realize that I don't have it so bad as a parent.

Take, for example,
this mother in India . I know my second labor was quick (baby born 17 minutes after I got to the hospital), but this lady definitely has me beat! Apparently, she was heading to her parents' home to be there to deliver the baby. Normally, I thought that happens in the 7th or 8th month. So I just have to ask. How late was that train? Talk about I.S.T. (India Standard Time). Apparently the baby hadn't learned about it yet.

And Bristol Palin is doing everything she can for her kid, and you really have to applaud her for that. Fine, her mother's insistence on Abstinence-only education proved less than effective in preventing teenage pregnancy in her own home, and by no means am I deferring blame to Sarah Palin for her daughter's choices, but you have to respect that she's serving herself up as a public example to showcase the struggles of teen moms. Hopefully her child doesn't grow up feeling unloved or unappreciated, and hopefully prevents others from going down the same path (as opposed to - "that's ridiculous. It wouldn't be like that for me," or other dismissive or self-sure attitudes of teens that her message is aimed at).

It is definitely a scary world out there, and we're each trying our best to make it safe for our children (like, by keeping my three young boys far from France and the likes of Frederic Mitterand, for example). But being with them right now, cuddling with one while the other two work nicely together on some project or another, I'm not worried about the rest of the world. My home is to be a haven, a nurturing place where they can be themselves, without judgment. I had the word calm in there, but then came back to my senses. There's a time for calm crafting, and a time for wearing your halloween costumes and running all around the house yelling and playing. And my home is also a place for that.